When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You Might Also Like
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.