when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.