When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
A Short Story.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.