When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You Might Also Like
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
War & Peace
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.