when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
OKAY DAD
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?