When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I didn’t know they can drive…
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley