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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
#catsoftwitter
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Its true…
