When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
found my next D&D character name
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.