When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it