when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.