When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
You Might Also Like
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.