when you are just born a rebel
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
This could be us… but you playing
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.