When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby