When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Beware of the dog..
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.