when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Always 🥴
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet