When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
taking June’s advice to heart
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions