*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.