When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Why is this me 😫
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Finished stitching this today 😇
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.