When you don’t understand how floors work
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]