when you don’t want to be too vague
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suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
SPLOOT
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door