When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?