When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English