When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance