When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.


* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”


Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4


I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.


Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!


TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5


Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.


My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.