When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Admin smashed it 😂
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.