When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not


Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available


*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?


What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”


guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog