@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

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@EllaZee5

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

@Marlebean

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

@mentalpause1

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

@IAmMikeFeeney

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

@EJGomez

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog