When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Fluff me with a fork baby
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence