When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
bad news gang
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?