When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
#Caturday