When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.