@EmSlyce fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
@gerryhallcomedy When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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@EmSlyce 
@JermHimselfish If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
@TheToddWilliams If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
@RomyMichele #HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
@mom_tho me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
@FattMernandez I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
@adamgreattweet if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
@PostCultRev [2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
@jordan_stratton [Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
@amydillon My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.