When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
This is so me 😂😂
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: