@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

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@EmSlyce

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

@JermHimselfish

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

@mom_tho

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

@FattMernandez

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

@adamgreattweet

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.