When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Awwwww shit.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*