when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Why is everyone getting married at me
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions