When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My sex drive has a dui
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though