@MadHatterMommy

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

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@Discourt

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

@constituentsdc

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

@YesThatAmy

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

@_elvishpresley_

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

@pilau

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@Rollinintheseat

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

@greek_heanen

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@Fred_Delicious

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born