When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

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My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.


Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”


If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.


detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here


Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife


You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.


I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.


-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will


Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?


“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born