When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers