When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Meow
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.