When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.