@aussiesdointhgs

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

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@rockymomax

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

@RonFilipkowski

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@T_Bonezzz_

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

@slimmy_shady

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.