When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
LOL!
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
San Francisco has too many rules
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things