>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Have a lovely day 😊
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Home #decor warning.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.