When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.


Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.


Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.


I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.


I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.


my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks


I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.


You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!