When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You Might Also Like
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this