when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is