When you kidnap a writer.
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂