when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?