When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me