
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
The symmetry is uncanny.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.