@noneofyours99
@KelFocker I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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@KelFocker 
@mizzTeeeCeee The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
@donsengstack Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
@tastefactory I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
@BradBroaddus My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
@therepoguy If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
@TheBoydP Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
@_wangwe *Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
@sparrowmedia The symmetry is uncanny.
@brookeperrin “I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.