@noneofyours99

When you let grandma cat sit

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@UnFitz

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

@Overdue_Bills

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

@david8hughes

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@TheAlexNevil

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three