Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*
“Where you going?”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three