@noneofyours99

When you let grandma cat sit

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@mizzTeeeCeee

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

@tastefactory

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@TheBoydP

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

@_wangwe

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.