When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves