When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.