When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Waiting for the Charmin
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills