When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?